Marriage is a tradition that dates back for thousands of years. At its core, with modern romanticism added on, marriage is the binding together of two souls as they prepare for a life well lived with one another. The act of marriage brings together families and pushes relationships to a whole other level. Unfortunately many people are as interested in marriage as they are in a quick divorce. With the divorce rate so high in the world it stands to reason that people wonder what is going on. We decided to pull together the top ten simple ways that men will ruin their marriage. Knowing the potential ways you can ruin a relationship should help you avoid that cheap divorce in the future.
Blowing off special days.
Do you remember the first Valentines Day gift that you got for your lover? Much like Mothers Day gifts, these presents mean a lot to your significant other. It’s not so much the actual gift as it is the idea that you thought long and hard about the one you love in order to genuinely make them feel good. So when you stop trying to make these special days feel special your wife will start to think that you are caring less and that you really aren’t into her as much. Even if you aren’t much of a romantic you should still try to make Holidays and Anniversaries feel like a special, romantic, and loving event. Don’t treat your marriage like you are picking out corporate gifts from a list of promotional items — put some thought into it.
Harboring resentment toward her in-laws.
In the introduction we talked about how marriage is more than just the unity of two people, it is the bringing together of two separate families. So with that in mind you need to be prepared to treat her family like they were your own, assuming that you like your family of course. When you harbor resentment and anger toward her family that acts as a wall that gets built brick by brick between you. No matter how right you are to be angry you can’t allow that anger to consume you. Your wife will stay loyal to her family, as she should, and you will begin to ostracize yourself like cheap executive gifts to the big boss. Don’t let your anger spearhead your marriage. Take the proper steps needed to show her that you are trying to fix things. Anger toward in-laws is stressful and it has doomed marriages for years upon years.
Avoiding fights in unhealthy ways.
If you look at sickness as the way your body fights off invading germs then you should look at arguments as the way that couples get through their issues. When we say fighting we never mean in an abusive or physical way. What we mean by fighting is this: hashing out your differences in a mature way, albeit emotionally. When men start to avoid fights with their wife in an unhealthy way things can go from bad to worse even quicker, eventually leading to the low cost divorce that is so common. So instead of holding in feelings and biting tongues, keep an open and honest dialog.
Not communicating straightforward feelings.
Whether it is a cultural thing or otherwise, men tend not to facilitate their feelings in conducive ways to their significant other. Pop culture icons make it seem like men aren’t allowed to talk about their feelings without being looked down upon. Refusing to speak your feelings in a clear way to your significant other is a surefire way to grab yourself an uncontested divorce. You need to have clear communication even when what you are saying is hard to get through. Having your wife know how you feel will allow you to keep each other perfectly informed at all times. Harboring long silences and stashing away your feelings is a disaster in the making.
Comparing her to an ex.
No matter how long you’ve been with your wife you should know that insecurities can still exist within your relationship. This is particularly true if either one of you has a history of ex romances. Many men will single handedly sink their marriage by comparing their wife to a former flame. This comparison is typically done out of anger, in the midst of an emotional fight, and it is always damaging. Your wife doesn’t want to hear about your ex and you shouldn’t rub her face in it by comparing her, favorably or unfavorably, with an ex. The next time you want to bring up an ex make sure that you bite your tongue, swallow the idea, and move on with more peaceful methods. Think about it this way: would you want to be compared to one of her exes? Probably not, right? Don’t put her through that.
Choosing to refuse the wife’s love language.
Everybody has their own brand of love language that makes them feel appreciated and special. Some people love to hear kind words spoken about them while others might want to be held often and given physical attention. No matter what love language your wife speaks you need to be sure to provide it to her. When you know what her love language is and refuse to acknowledge it regularly you are actively sabotaging your own marriage. Go out of your way to energize your wife with extra attention, especially when you can tell that she is feeling down in the dumps. A surprise kiss or a gigantic swooping hug can make all of the difference when it comes to ensuring that your love is transferred with resonance. Otherwise you will begin to erect a barrier between the two of you where your love used to be, eventually creating the sort of romantic divide that can’t be fixed by anything simple.
Trying to continually change her.
At some point in your relationship with your wife you should have a pretty firm idea as to who she is. Whether she is loud, brash and loving or shy and introverted — that is the woman whom you agreed to love. As long as her personality isn’t actively hurting yourself or other people then you have no business constantly trying to change or fix her. So don’t get into the habit of saying things like, “You need to”, when it comes up during arguments. Instead love her for who she is and show that love, you both will be stronger for it. This doesn’t mean that you can’t explore change. You can always bring your thoughts up when the time is right but you must be tactful and aware of your tone.
Focusing more on ‘winning’ than resolution.
If your ultimate goal in an argument is to end up as the ‘winner’ then you likely are heading for a short marriage full of fighting and drama. When two adults argue they need to look for ways to peacefully and capably resolve their shared issue. Neither party should get stuck up in feeling like they ‘won’ the fight. This creates arguments that turn from mature to immature in a heartbeat. When you can’t have an argument or a debate without trying to come out on top then you know problems are going to crop up. Sometimes it is better to make peace then to make sure she knows that you are right about something. The odds are good that she does know when you are right. Instead of stinging her pride you should choose to back off and let her come to you with an apology. Approaching fights with this mentality will fundamentally change things for the both of you.
Refusing to apologize.
When we’re wrong, we’re wrong. The act of apologizing can fix so many marital problems and it blows our mind that more men aren’t willing to utter those two special words with sincerity: I’m sorry. Apologizing from the heart is the quickest way to mend broken fences, rebuild burnt bridges, and get a relationship kickstarted and back on track. When you do apologize you need to make sure to say it in a way that is both authentic and truthful. You want her to know that you genuinely do believe that you need to apologize and you can’t add any addendums to the apology such as “I’m sorry BUT you…”. Merely make the apology and back away to allow her to take over.
There might come a time when you feel like your marriage cannot be saved, even if she doesn’t agree. Here you will most likely want to just give up and sometimes that may be the right thing to do. However, if you instead look for ways to fix any issues you may instead find a way to repair your relationship. Instead of giving up consider going to counseling or some sort of couples therapy in order to mend what has been broken.